Roots and Wings

I have always believed that children do not "belong" to parents, whether that child is biologically theirs or otherwise. I believe children are a part of our interconnected universe and it is the adults' job to raise the child to take her place in the world, to raise her to be a responsible adult who gives more than she gets, does little harm and, as a bonus, makes this world a bit better than it was when she arrived. I've often used the quote in my job "parents must first give a child roots, and then wings" because the ultimate goal of parenting is to launch the child away from you successfully. Becoming a parent myself has not changed my views at all. Beatrice is not "mine" and I hope I never treat her like a possession whose fate I can control. From the moment she was handed to me, I saw her as a complete entity, a full soul, who I get to spend eighteen or more years with and whose bright and shining light I was entrusted to guide.

Every parenting decision and action we have made in the past six months has been to establish "roots" with Beatrice, since healthy wings cannot develop without this important first step. Her "root system" has changed twice and we are trying to establish her final one in a deep, secure, and healthy way. That being said, I think we're doing okay. Her attachment to us amazes and at times overwhelms me. Beatrice looks to us for everything and, while attachment is an ongoing process, the early stages of trust are now there. What amazes me most actually isn't that she is attached to us is that she is so darned content with us. Anthony and I are her entire world (a scary thought!) and yet she seems just fine with that; indeed she seems to be thriving on that. Her walking is more and more confident and she does not need to hold a hand, yet she prefers to, and her face just radiates when she can walk between the two of us, holding each one of our hands. She just exudes happiness when this happens, and beams when the three of us are together. And she is fortunate because she gets so much time with both of us, more than any other child I know. Yet, she definitely has a very strong independent streak in her that is showing its beautiful and determined head on a daily basis lately as she becomes a toddler. Sometimes I worry about whether or not she is TOO attached and will never be able to be away from us, and then she offers me clear evidence that she certainly will do so, and probably much sooner than I'd prefer. For now, we are her universe, and as long as one or both of us is there, all is right with the world.

Every day she is learning more and more about the larger universe out there and I am already anxious to watch her jockey herself into her position in it. I was on the UConn campus at a conference yesterday and saw a dozen or more Asian/Asian-American young women walking around. Many of their faces reminded me of Beatrice. Each time I'd try to envision what will she be like at 20? What clothes will she wear? Will she care at all about those sort of things? Will she be the life of a party or off sitting in quiet conversation? Or home reading a book? What will her goals be? What sort of activities/hobbies will she have? What will she value in a friend? How will she be as a friend to others? Will she be trusting? Confident? Will she know she's beautiful? Of course I'm in no rush for her to grow up, but part of me can't wait to find out the answers to all of these questions and I feel like many of them are already in her and we just have to wait and watch her unfold. And somehow I am already confident that she is going to be a great woman. I love Beatrice because I'm her mother, but I really like her too. She's a curious, interesting, patient, flexible person who likes fun but isn't silly, and whose smile I swear could light up a town. I pray that the soil, water, and sun that we're providing nurtures her well so that the best that is in her will continue to come out and she will learn coping strategies to deal with the challenges. If we can do that, we will have succeeded.